Attachment: the basics
Attachment is a relationship that is not present at birth. Rather, it develops over the first few months of life in response to sensitive care.
Secure early attachment is an important foundation for healthy development and for coping with all the challenges that growing up brings. Unresponsive, erratic or threatening care can lead to attachment problems that have an ongoing negative effect on development.
Attachment is like building a line between two planets, a big planet and a small one that is near it. If you can develop a strong line, the small planet can revolve and do its own thing with no fear of flying out into space.
At times in our lives, we are all afraid of being lost and of darkness, especially in infancy. But people who have had strong attachments as babies develop a sense of being secure and safely moving through life.
What is attachment behaviour?
Attachment behaviour is when babies and toddlers try to get comfort and protection from the people they are attached to. All human babies, wherever they are, have this behaviour to protect themselves from danger.
They can do this by:
- smiling and cooing
- crawling and following
- holding out their arms
- crying
- many other signals that parents and carers learn to know.
When the child gets an appropriate response – such as eye contact, a smile, a touch or a quick cuddle – and feels safe, the attachment seeking stops. Then the child is free to relax, play, explore and learn again.
If there is not an appropriate response – for example, if the baby is ignored or punished – the baby continues to feel anxious or afraid and continues the attachment behaviour. Some babies who are very afraid give up trying.
So, for example, if a parent thinks a toddler should be brave and encourages the child to leave the safety and closeness of an adult before the child is ready, the child is likely to respond by feeling more afraid and clinging more.
Helping children to feel safe first is the best way to encourage them to be brave.
Approaching our babies calmly and gently requires a pace of life that is difficult for many of us to achieve in modern times. It actually requires most of us to slow down just a little, and possibly make some changes to our own lifestyles. Being with our babies at a slower pace helps them cope a little better and allows us to notice the details of their signals to us.
Responding to babies' cues
Responding to babies' cues not only helps to develop secure attachment but is also the beginning of two-way communication.
Even young babies can give signals that they need attention, and signals that show when the carer’s response to them is inappropriate, such as over-intrusive. Babies can also show when they have had enough.
To show they need attention, young babies might:
- make eye contact
- make little noises
- smile
- copy your gestures
- look relaxed and interested.
To show they need a break or perhaps a different, gentler approach, young babies might:
- look away
- shut their eyes
- try to struggle or pull away
- yawn
- look tense and unsettled
- cry.
It’s important to respond to these signals in ways that meet the child’s need. This sends the meesage that the baby has been heard and responded to. It is the beginning of baby developing a sense of an independent self.
All babies are different and will develop their own special ways of showing what they need and special patterns of interaction with their parents.
See Baby Cues (adapted from Baby Cues: A Child's First Language, NCAST-AvenUW).
Who babies attach to
Babies develop attachment relationships with their main caregivers over the first few months of life.
The caregivers can be mother, father, grandparent, key child care worker or anyone who has a main role in caring for the child.
Babies can form attachments with more than one person. In fact if there is a problem with the relationship with the main caregiver – for example, if the mother is depressed or very distracted – a secure attachment relationship with another caring person can help to balance this and give the baby a positive relationship model.
But if babies have too many different caregivers and different relationship patterns to adjust to, it can be difficult for them to develop secure relationships. This in turn can lead to other problems (with sleep or feeding, for example).
Becoming attached to another person does not undermine other attachments with the mother or father. It helps the baby learn about being close to people.
Attachment and separation
Young babies
By the time babies are about six months old, they will have become attached to the people who care for them most. These people will be a baby’s safe base to explore the world for the next few years until baby is old enough to really feel secure when you are not there. This can also bring with it fears of people baby does not know so well, sometimes even the other parent or a loving grandparent.
This is part of learning to feel safe in the world. Baby will soon learn to feel safe again with other people when you reassure baby that all is well and if baby is not pushed along too quickly.
Older babies and children
During the next few years, until they are about three or four, babies and toddlers gradually get to manage longer separations from their special people.
At first they continually check – even follow you into the toilet once they can crawl. Then they will move away and play for a while but check back by looking for you or coming to you from time to time. This is how they gradually develop confidence.
By three or four, they can usually manage a day or half a day with other people without being upset, but some children take longer. It depends on their temperament and their early experiences.
Separation and sleep
Babies who have slept well for the first six months or so of their lives and then start waking at night or not wanting to go to sleep might be suffering from separation anxiety.
This happens because they are afraid when their special people are not there, especially at night. Babies don’t understand when you say you will be coming back soon or in the morning. To them it can seem like forever.
If this is the problem, you will find that your baby will sleep well as long as baby knows you’re near. You might find it helpful to put a mattress or comfortable chair near baby’s bed and just lie down nearby when baby wakes at night. You could also have baby in your room if that is acceptable.
What you need to know
Much research has gone into looking at the best ways to give babies secure foundations. Parents and carers have found the following to be most helpful:
Have realistic expectations of what babies can do
It helps to know how babies develop so you don’t expect them to be able to do things that they can’t do. For example, some parents think that young babies are trying to manipulate them when they cry at night. But young babies don’t remember that you are there when you are out of sight. They cry because they need something. If parents come when babies cry and comfort them, babies eventually learn to know that the world is safe and they cry less.
Take time to be with your baby
This will help you learn to ‘read’ your baby’s messages. Young babies often give very small signals for what they need and are dependent on carers who can learn to understand their signals and respond to them.
Respect and think about the baby as a separate person
Your baby has independent needs, wants and feelings. Think about how it feels for a baby to be suddenly picked up without warning and put down somewhere else, or to have a nappy change or be handed to a stranger.
Find support for yourself
Have someone to talk things over with, to encourage you when you are doing well, and to give you a break when you need it. It is often much harder than you would think to learn, understand and respond to little babies. Parents need support too.
Understand your own parenting
Think about how your parents raised you, what that meant to you, and how it affects the way you feel about and care for children (because it always does).
What you can do
- Think about, treat, and talk to your baby as an individual with separate needs, likes and dislikes.
- Learn to know your baby’s signals, what baby’s messages mean, and then respond to them.
- Think about timing. Try to be gentle or gradual when introducing changes such as picking your baby up or changing nappies. Tell baby what you’re going to do so baby learns that the world is predictable. Try not to startle your baby.
- Be flexible.
- Learn to know what works for your baby.
- Don’t stick to a set routine if it doesn’t suit your baby and you.
- Remember that babies grow and change quickly, and need more time awake with you. This means you need to respond to their changes.
- Find out about how babies grow and learn so you know what babies are like. This will help you have reasonable expectations.
- Copy the baby’s little noises and gestures – this is the beginning of conversation.
- Wait for the baby’s response before going on.
- If the baby looks away or yawns, stop and try again later.
- Make eye contact. Babies like to look into your eyes.
- Notice when your baby is trying to get your attention with looks, smiles or cries. Crying always signals a need.
- Provide comfort when your baby is upset.
- Try to relax and concentrate on the baby’s world – what baby is looking at, trying to do, feeling and so on.
- Give your baby opportunities to succeed and make things happen. For example, put a rattle where baby can hit it to make a noise, or crawl to reach it.
- Find out what your baby really likes.
- Remember you’re the most important part of your baby’s life.
- If you’re worried about your relationship with your baby, ask for help. It is such an important part of your baby’s life that getting help when baby is young can make a big difference to you and to your baby.
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