| Ideas and tips | Things to do |
|---|---|
| Stop whatever you are doing so you can look at your partner and pay full attention to his words and body language. | If you’re too distracted to listen, say so, and set another time to talk. |
| Save questions or comments for after your partner has finished. | Wait until your partner pauses, even if there’s something you don’t understand. Focus on not distracting your partner. |
| Focus on understanding your partner’s point of view and feelings about the situation. | Avoid jumping in with 'yes, but' as a way of explaining your perspective – let the talker finish the point. |
| Ask questions that encourage your partner to talk instead of giving a yes or no answer. Avoid too many questions – this can sound like an interrogation. | Try getting your partner to describe his experiences or views by asking open-ended questions; for example, 'Tell me about … ' Use a combination of positive feedback and clarification to try to understand what your partner is saying. |
| Confirm whether you’ve understood what your partner means. | Restate your partner’s comments in your own words. This helps to confirm whether you understand the issue and your partner's feelings. |
| Show that you are interested in finding out more by asking for clarification. | Try clarifying your partner’s feelings about an issue; for example, 'I gather you feel frustrated with the way this has been going'. Be genuine – your partner will know when you are really interested. |
| Try not to assume that your partner is being hurtful, or is the one with the problem. | If your partner says or does something hurtful, look for positive or neutral intentions behind it. |
Fowers, B.J. (2001). The limits of a technical concept of a good marriage: Exploring the role of virtue in communication skills. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(3), 327-340.
Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: Guilford Press.
Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapist's guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Inc.
Markie-Dadds, C., Turner, K. & Sanders, M.R. (1998). Every parent’s supplementary workbook. Milton, QLD: Triple P International.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change. New York: Guilford Press.