Listening to each other
Parent teamwork skills – making parenting easier
- Listening is essential when discussing issues or working together to resolve conflict.
- It's important to remind yourself to pay attention and understand what others say.
- Knowing what your partner thinks, and why, can make a real difference to how well you both cope with the changes that parenting brings to your relationship.
Listening: why it's important
Listening can lead to a better understanding between the two of you and stronger long-term relationships. It makes it easier for parents to solve problems together, and to be consistent in how you behave towards your child. All of this makes raising children easier, and benefits the whole family. Listening is also important in helping children develop the skills they need for life. Children learn from our every interaction, including the way we communicate. Good listening starts with simple steps like:- looking for ways to really pay attention when your partner speaks
- encouraging your partner to talk
- showing that you understand your partner's perspective – even when you don’t agree with it – and waiting until your partner finishes speaking before giving your own opinion.
Tips for listening
| Ideas and tips | Things to do |
|---|---|
| Stop whatever you are doing so you can look at your partner and pay full attention to his words and body language. | If you’re too distracted to listen, say so, and set another time to talk. |
| Save questions or comments for after your partner has finished. | Wait until your partner pauses, even if there’s something you don’t understand. Focus on not distracting your partner. |
| Focus on understanding your partner’s point of view and feelings about the situation. | Avoid jumping in with 'yes, but' as a way of explaining your perspective – let the talker finish the point. |
| Ask questions that encourage your partner to talk instead of giving a yes or no answer. Avoid too many questions – this can sound like an interrogation. | Try getting your partner to describe his experiences or views by asking open-ended questions; for example, 'Tell me about … ' Use a combination of positive feedback and clarification to try to understand what your partner is saying. |
| Confirm whether you’ve understood what your partner means. | Restate your partner’s comments in your own words. This helps to confirm whether you understand the issue and your partner's feelings. |
| Show that you are interested in finding out more by asking for clarification. | Try clarifying your partner’s feelings about an issue; for example, 'I gather you feel frustrated with the way this has been going'. Be genuine – your partner will know when you are really interested. |
| Try not to assume that your partner is being hurtful, or is the one with the problem. | If your partner says or does something hurtful, look for positive or neutral intentions behind it. |
Getting help
Find out how you and your partner can get extra support when you need it. If you are in a relationship that involves violence, seek professional help and do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of you and your children.- Rated
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- More to explore
- Getting support
- Last reviewed05-05-2006
- References
Fowers, B.J. (2001). The limits of a technical concept of a good marriage: Exploring the role of virtue in communication skills. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(3), 327-340.
Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: Guilford Press.
Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapist's guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Inc.
Markie-Dadds, C., Turner, K. & Sanders, M.R. (1998). Every parent’s supplementary workbook. Milton, QLD: Triple P International.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change. New York: Guilford Press.
- AcknowledgementsThe Parents and Teamwork series was produced with support from the Victorian Government Department of Human Services. © Copyright Victorian Government Department of Human Services 2005
